Reading quite some books lately about the self-absorbed, narcissistic parents and about the toxicity of people.
More than the family bonds, the intricate genealogy and what you learn about the relationships between people that explain and make sense and light – at least in my history and my family, the basic knot that I think I have found finally is NARCISSISM. what I read sheds a light into complicated stories, wounds, failures and strange feelings. It is like being in the dark and suddenly, all lights up and it is as you have found the treasure, explaining so much.
I am studying, reading and reading again, so as to soke myself in, and try to find some of the tools to work myself out of this never-ending toxicity.
It´s all about you, and you make sure of that. ..Your wants, needs, and demands are always the main focus. Everything must be done your way or it is not acceptable. you never stop to consider that others have rights too. In your eyes, you know what is best and are always right, and I have to fall in line and incur in your wrath, displeasure and disappointment. You are completely self-serving. You use every situation to fulfil your needs. you are blind to others´needs, deaf to their emotions ,and expert at manipulation. you work hard to trigger my guilt, sadness, rage and shame, and to make sure that I am exactly what you want me to be. You constantly berate, blame and criticise me and I am always miserable around you. I want to please you but I never seem to be able to. You are like a hurricane, I know you are coming so I prepare for the damage you can do but my preparation are in vain. after you leave, I am left with the residual emotions to clean up, while you move on not knowing or caring about the destruction you cause to me and to everyone else.
It is always about you, you never show any understanding, you either ignore or minimise my feelings or you can even become angry or say that I was ungrateful or disrespectful for criticising you. Now that I have my family and want to make it right and beautiful – now that I know a little more – it took me some time and some (re)search, I find that I still
long for your love. I know that you cannot be different but it does not take away the yearning for a more quiet relationship …a less burden life for the future…
“Difficult situations in which your negative feelings are triggered are more about you than they are about the other person. A primary response you may be using for these situations is to try to get the other person to change, which is in the case of the self absorbed or narcissistic parent, does not work. However, the failure seldom deters you from continuing the futile effort. This parent will not change because you want him to change, does not accept that he needs to change, thinks that you´re the one who needs to change, and is not reluctant to continually point this out to you, thereby exacerbating the effect on you. you will be much more effective and serene when you can accept that the parent will not change, when you build your self to be less unconsciously dependent on your parent, and when you are more centered, grounded, strong and resilient.”
(Nina W. Brown. Children of the self-absorbed – A grown ups guide to getting over narcissistic parents)