I had always thought of myself as a nice, kind, interesting, even somewhat charming person, I was cool to hang with, quite lovable – often someone who should be IN and AROUND the things. I hated when I sensed people were not really interested in me or planned things without me. When people were saying that they would meet each other without me being involved, it made me jealous. So I always made arrangements so as to be in the center. I was hungry for attention, for recognition. I loved it. Felt comfortable with it.
I have been able to carry on and be in this state of mind throughout most of my life.
During my younger years, in my 20´s and in my 30´s – I constructed my identity based on a very dominant model, my mother. She was juggling around with friends and lovers, knitting relationships, building networks and I think I got somehow the same virus. I always triggered people into situations, and make myself interesting. I loved to create drama. Situations. Discussions. “She said that you said, that he said, oh no it was not me, but you know she is like this and like that…”
Reflecting on these years today, I think I was unconsciously building a weird confederation of power and light like an egocentric universe that all members had to swear allegiance and admiration to. It felt right, it felt nice, it felt normal. I was good to know. I deserved it. I was special.
And being in the center was really something simple to deal with. So, years went by…Never bothered me….
It was not before 2006-2007 that I understood something was wrong, that there must have been some kind of misunderstanding all along…
Slowly by slowly I discovered a dirty and troubled bubble I was living in. Illusions… It was not before my 40s that I finally encountered myself. And it was the hard way. All my personal delusions became exposed quite vividly, not only to myself but to everyone else as well.
I had to admit that for long, I was only reproducing the neurotic schemas and narcissistic patterns, so common in my family. I had been raised and trained this way, and without noticing, I had invested a lot in this position. By slowly uncovering that I was not the (ultimate) golden one, that my life did not matter more than the life of others, that others were important too, I suddenly did not hold it together anymore.
What happened to me then?
Why did everything fell apart? It felt unfair and was very abrupt, and though I did not realise nor understand a lot at that time, it feels so right right now.
To be honest, I think I really got lucky.
I shielded myself.
I deluded myself.
My well-polished self image fell apart.
But I was saved.
I couldn´t manipulate or trick people and situations anymore. From now on, things would be different. Years after this, I realise that that change made me lose a lot of friends….but it was the cleanest and safest change anyone can go through in life.
And maybe have I finally made good friends with myself.