This is not easy to write this (sometimes when you are too sincere, people say/think you are crazy) but sometimes the little voice that I have, that we all have in our head, talks very loud. Usually she says ugly things to me, reminding me how darkness is close and how easy it would be to dive in – soft as she is, like a pillow. I am sometimes not really aware that she is there, but she tries to interrupt, that she has a voice but it is more complicated when darker moments are there. Yesterday it was one of these moments and she became really happy. She said you see? I told you. You are worthless. Same old shit goes with you and your stupid family. What is wrong with you guys? How toxic can you be? I knew she was only going to push me into more darkness and she would demand that i follow her, but instead, I took a wise decision. Instead of forgetting her and trying to avoid her, I acknowledged her. I heard her loud and clear and even felt her disgusting breath in my neck. We had a small and silent conversation where I positioned myself out of her circle. Out of her influence. Yes, you are right. Same shit happens all over again. I should do something about it. And so, though she could have dragged me in desperate times and thoughts and probably nightmares where I was banished, excluded, lost all my teeth as a bad (and guilty) person, instead, I allowed myself to go up for air. for once, and took the situation – as if it was a normal case, something not complicated and toxic to handle. A galactic conflict was arranged and missiles were thrown in the direction of me. (instead of missiles I wanted to use the work : “scud” which we use in french and which is borrowed from english “Un scud est à l’origine un terme militaire anglais qui désigne un missile. Son utilisation s’est étendue de façon argotique pour des attaques verbales ou écrites, qui arrivent de façon inattendue et surtout brutale. Exemple : Il s’est pris un scud d’une violence rare ? Ça l’a assommé”) I knew this was going to happen and though the little voice tried to talk to me out of it, I nevertheless thought I was ready for it. 50 years of slavery under the pressure of 2 (or 3) bullies are enough. Now it is time for a liberation. Now it is time to go out of this circle of vampires and look ahead.
Clean my head. Clean my life. Say Stop. Stop the double blind (A double bind is an emotionally distressing dilemma in communication in which an individual or group receives two or more conflicting messages, and one message negates the other. This creates a situation in which a successful response to one message results in a failed response to the other and vice versa, so that the person will automatically be wrong regardless of response. The double bind occurs when the person cannot confront the inherent dilemma, and therefore can neither resolve it nor opt out of the situation.)
And lets see what happens. Is the old world going to go down?