now

Un coeur

Si la moitié de mon cœur est ici,

L’autre moitié est en Grèce,

Et puis souvent, il y en a une grande partie qui s’envole vers la France, là où mes ancêtres ont trouvé patrie en 1916.

Et puis tous les matins, quand mes rêves me lâchent enfin pour me laisser revenir en surface en parler

Mon cœur s’enfonce avec amour dans une forêt de Norvège.

Et quand le calme revient le soir dans la maison,
Mon cœur s’en va encore,
il s’en va s’enivrer au son du tambour dans une vieille yourte en Mongolie.

Je regarde la nuit à travers les fenêtres
et malgré tous ces murmures qui pèsent parfois dans ma poitrine,
Mon cœur bats la chamade ici et maintenant,

En rythme avec l’étoile la plus lointaine de ce ciel de novembre.

all · dream · family · feelings · future · life · me · now · past

Un héritage

J’ai fait un rêve étrange, il y a deux ans et deux nuits.

Nous étions en train de visiter un lieu – qui était un lieu que je connaissais bien apparemment – un lieu de mon enfance – cela ressemblait a un parc d´attraction….? Ou peut-être je l’avais déjà visité en rêve. Marie était avec nous – je dis nous car j’ai entrevu Julie aussi, et un groupe de filles aussi – je me demande dans quelle mesure, toutes les filles de mes derniers stages de transgénérationnel avec Christine U. étaient la…

Nous nous promenions donc, et nous nous sommes arrêtées devant une fenêtre. Il y a avait là sur le rebord deux petits objets très jolis, presque abandonnés, qui ressemblaient a deux petits chandeliers – ils étaient bleus? en céramique? Marie s´est arrêtée pour les observer et les toucher. Et surtout je voyais que ces yeux brillaient et qu’elle les voulait bien…Quand tout à coup quelqu´un (c était une femme) est venue par derrière et presque en la poussant, a pris ces deux objets sous son nez. Je me souviens très bien que nous étions toutes offusquées de la présence de “l´autre”, de son acte. Et biensur du fait que c’est Marie qui était la première sur le lieu…

Quand j’en parle à Marie elle me demande qui t’a dépossédé de quoi. Et cela me parle ….

all · feelings · now

Am I arrogant or am I shy?

Arrogance is a cover-up, a defence mechanism, based on the desire to appear knowledgeable or in some cases superior to the other person. It is based in insecurity and a fear of being seen as stupid, ignorant, foolish or what have you. Often this person has been cruelly judged and put down earlier in their life. Arrogance is often seen in shy people. It is almost the extention of the shy.

I guess I can say that I have both in my life. I have been arrogant at some times without me noticing or experiencing this as such (it is never us who see that).. I have been shy as well – very much when I was little. I could not think of approaching people I did not know and ask them for anything. I remember my mom giving me some few coins to go and buy bread and I would come back with the coins and no bread. I did not dare ask the baker even….

As for arrogance I think it is later on, almost to repair the moments when I was shy? I would not be able to talk to people and would pretend not to see them, not to be interested even (which was not the case). So depending on the period of my life I would be seen as very cold or very arrogant. or both. Which I can really say that I am not. I am interested in people and I love to talk to them and I think it is always worth sharing some words with them. But often the first step is complicated.

Confidence in the contrary and I can say I have been that (and I am that most of the time) comes from knowledge, experience, and a desire to be of service. I have been really confident in very different environments and have been able to “swim” through quite some different situations, countries, cultures… I have for example worked in the European Commission so at times, I have been in meetings with the commissioners, politicians from different countries, “high ranked” or “elite” people. I was at ease. After that period in Brussels in the Commission,I have also been working with theatre many years and I have met and talked and sat at at the same table of immense artists like Pina Bausch, or other french actors like Michel Piccoli …) and so, I have been trained to be more confident as well.

But we are never the same in this life. Are we? We get through different periods, experiences, and moments. Life brings things and events we do not expect. I must admit that now, I am returning to some shyness or arrogance. I am not sure where I stand. I am forthcoming but also protecting myself from the injuries that I might get from people´s behaviour. I am more and more sensitive for sure. And this is not helping neither confidence nor arrogance for sure !

life · love · now · past · psychogenealogy

Libère toi…

Chère Patricia

Je t´écris pour te dire qu´il faut vivre. Je te le dis comme je le pense. Je n´ai pas eu l´occasion de t´avoir près de moi souvent, vous étiez en France et moi en Grèce et les derniers jours de ma vie n´ont pas été très facile. J´ai été très malade comme tu sais. Mais je ne veux pas parler de moi aujourd´hui. Je veux parler de toi et m´adresser à toi directement pour te demander de ne pas continuer comme cela, de ne pas faire d´erreur et surtout ne pas prendre le chemin de la culpabilité et des choses lourdes à porter -comme tu le fais je crois?- et te libérer du poids que tu portes dans tous les sens du terme. Tu dois vivre pour toi, pour ta famille, pour ta petite fille qui est si jolie et si intelligente. Je le vois de la ou je suis. Tu dois te libérer de tout ce que notre famille a porté tout au long de ces années. Toutes ces erreurs, tous ces malheurs, toutes ces errances. Beaucoup d´histoires, beaucoup de manipulations, beaucoup de mensonges. On a fait ce que l´on a pu. On a fait avec ce que nous avions. Malgré que ce soit tes origines, ton histoire aussi bien évidemment, sans la renier, tu peux la laisser derrière. Tu ne peux pas porter sur toi la montagne de tout cela et tous tes ancêtres aussi. Tu dois te libérer. Tu peux être libre. Tu es jeune. Tu ne dois pas te rendre malade, tu ne dois pas ! Tu te souviens quand tu es venue me rendre visite, au cimetière pour me demander l´autorisation d´avoir un bébé? Je me souviens très bien qu´il y avait beaucoup de vent et que ma fille cherchait désesperément à allumer une bougie. Elle croyait que c´était moi qui ne voulais pas de sa bougie; mais ce n´était que le vent! Elle m´a bien fait de la peine ce jour la. Elle regrettait sans doute de n´avoir pas été à mon enterrement ? Elle regrettait sans doute de n´avoir rien payé pour le service funéraire et de m´avoir “jetée” dans la fosse commune ? Mais je ne lui en veux pas tu sais. Et surtout, je n´en veux à personne. Ni à elle, ni à sa pauvre soeur. Je sais qu´elle a été fâchée contre moi toute sa vie. Et toi, tu es fâchée avec elle toute ta vie aussi non? N´est-il pas temps de faire la paix avec elle ? Et elle avec moi? Et toi avec toi meme aussi ?

Avec elle. Avec moi. Je sais qu´elle a souffert de plein de choses et je sais qu´elle n´a pas été présente dans le sens que tu aurais voulu. Mais elle ne t´a pas abandonnée! ou alors l´a-t-elle fait sans s´en rendre compte. Elle ne pouvait pas, elle ne savait pas faire autrement. Ne lui en veux pas.

Je te libere. Je te libere.

dans un autre corps.

dans un autre pays.

dans une autre langue.

Il est temps pour moi de m´adresser à toi et à te dire je te libère.

Que je te donne le pouvoir d´être libre enfin.

Je te libère du poids de cette famille. Je te libère des liens, des noeuds, des manipulations, des injonctions. Laisse tout cela couler, fondre sur toi. Cela n´est pas ton combat. Ce ne doit plus être ton combat. Laisse tomber cette montagne immense; enlève là de sur ton dos!

Tes épaules n´en peuvent plus. Tes jambes non plus.

Je te libère.

Tu peux vivre.

Tu dois vivre.

Pour toi.

Pour ta famille.

Pour ton mari et ta fille.

Plus pour nous. Nous, nous allons bien. Si tu te demandes, je vais bien! Je n´ai peut être pas réussi ma mort mais je pense avoir réussi ma vie. Tu ne connais rien d´elle. Tu sais juste que j´étais belle. Mais j´ai été plein d´autres choses aussi. Ce n´était pas facile, je suis née avant la guerre – et c´était difficile, de pauvreté, de noirceur, d´abus, d´absence de tout. Mais j´ai survécu. Je l´ai fait. A ma facon. J´ai vécu. Finalement une belle vie je pense. Tu ne connais pas tout et tu veux savoir. Tu t´imagines des choses de ma vie…pourquoi? pourquoi faire ? Cela t´aide-t-il? Tu sais que cela ne t´aidera pas beaucoup plus…. je te le dis, je n´ai pas besoin de toi. Souviens toi de moi dans la lumière. Je suis dans la lumière. Et de là, je t´envoie des voeux et tout mon amour.

Et ta libération.

Ta Grand-Mère Ioanna.

family · feelings · life · love · me · norway · now

Its your birthday today: happy birthday my LOVE!

You were born in 1960 and we are in 2017. So today, you are 57 years old. 57 years of wisdom, honesty and gentleness. 57 years of a life that has led you already 11 years ago to our meeting, to building dreams with me. Oh, not complicated ones! not crazy ones! Very simple human dreams: a house, a garden, a baby….

57 years of a life with helping people, helping them understand their pain, overcoming them. 57 years of being yourself, the real you – and everyone is so admirative (how many times they are telling me how amazing you are). And they are so right. You are amazing. I am so lucky to be with you, to have you with me, to have you in my life. I am lucky – also because every day I feel thanks to you, I become a better person. You make me see things differently. You make me understand and grasp things with new eyes. You and Alfie. I am thankful and happy. And I am so looking forward to the next 57 years with you. Happy birthday my Love. I love you.

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all · family · feelings · life · now

my little life is all I know

I can´t breath. I am not feeling well. I am overwhelmed. I can´t speak a word. No feelings, or better say, too many feelings leaking out of my heart, my head, my belly. Why can´t I cry it out loud? Why do I feel so invaded? I am not feeling well. This is too difficult for me. And I have no fuel no more. No energy no more. I am running flat.

I have slept many hours these days so as to escape this. I need to recuperate.

I live a life which is very simple. A kind of peaceful life as it can be called. I have my little family composed of Baard and Alfie and it cannot contain more I am afraid. We don´t do extreme things. We don´t do extreme shouting. We don´t like that. We try to show each other love. Every day. We show it in many ways. Always in simple things: just a good meal, just a hug, all together on Alfie´s bed telling each other stories, sitting right next to each other in the sofa and looking at our favorite programmes on TV. Being together is very important to us. Being together in harmony is even more important. Doing something for each other. Caring. We care. We think it is important. We show each other respect. That what is our life made of. So when we realise that this is not the case for others, when we experience how life is with others, when we witness intensity, shouting, disrespect, we become sick. I become sick. If something weird or unexpected happens, it does leave us very sad, and very concerned. It is always very painful for us. And we need time to get over it. We are trying to discuss it over and over. Explain. Try. Find reasons. Find out why we are so weak and why this affects us so much.

And when life comes back to normal, we smile again, we are a little wounded, but we pretend we are not.

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earth · feelings · future · me · now · times

Time dilation due to (not so relative) velocity

Why is that seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years have accelerated so dramatically? 10 or 20 years ago, it felt everything was long, lasting, sometimes even boring….I feel there was time for things, in fact, if I wanted I had time for everything. Now, I (and everyone around me) finds it hard to have any time for any thing.

Now the days are too short; 24 hours feel like 12. The week just rushes past me – and each Friday, when we usually have a family evening when I am baking pizza and we watch some nice programme on TV with Alfie, it feels as if the week have just started. I have been talking to her exactly about this cause in my mind, I thought it was just an illusion, that time is the same but as a consequence of me ageing and becoming older, I have this weird feeling. No, She says the same. Time goes so fast. She would love to have more time in the morning before school, more time in the evening after school, more time to play with friends who come and are here for 5 or 5 hours and then it is not enough anyhow….more time to prepare Christmas, or more time for any holidays!

Incredible. So, time was much slower before. How come?

I have memories of long, long days and of even longer weeks that felt as if they would never end. And I was bored. I could spend hours long on the balcony thinking, dreaming…I remember those moments so well.

But now? With our way of life, with information, with communication, with connection – cyber connections and other – and social media makes life rush past us. I am wondering if this has a scientific explanation? Can this be understood and proven in some concrete/mathematical way? As I am trying to understand and to research and found this article on wikipedia about “time dilation due to relative velocity”. Beautifully poetic isn´t it? I love the way the formula for determining time dilation in special relativity looks like – though of course, like you- I dont understand any of it:

\Delta t'=\gamma \,\Delta t={\frac {\Delta t}{\sqrt {1-{\frac {v^{2}}{c^{2}}}}}}\,

where Δt is the time interval between two co-local events (i.e. happening at the same place) for an observer in some inertial frame (e.g. ticks on his clock), known as the proper time, Δt′ is the time interval between those same events, as measured by another observer, inertially moving with velocity v with respect to the former observer, v is the relative velocity between the observer and the moving clock, c is the speed of light.

Of course this has little to do with our feeling of intensity and fast forward movement of our lives. But I thought it would be fun to discover some kind of a proof, even crazy, even romantic. Also because, I recently became 50 years old and I feel like 40! And my friends who are 40 feel like 30! This could also another proof isn´t it?

feelings · me · now · times

off I go….

Something was becoming really urgent. Something was growing and shouting and telling me that enough is enough. So yesterday, because the emergency was more than pushing, I cancelled my facebook account. Some will say this is not an accomplishment, this is nothing. It might be nothing but it feels like a lot. In the society we live on and connect with, we are literally depending on information on exchange on connectivity. But this has a price. And for people like me (the sensitive, the caring, the emotional and the unsecure as well) I would say that it can be a very disturbing element to play with. My first move was some months ago when I “eliminated” (what a word! even this is terrifying for me) more than 450 (so-called) friends. People I had not met, ever, people I had met once, people I didnt want to be connected with, people who were arrogant, annoying, disturbing. Every kind of people. So that was done. From 900, I went down to substantial 450. But this was not enough.

The story goes long before that even. But mainly, I have been really disturbed just before the summer by the postings/comments of people in my community. And though I know I should not have cared so much, that I dont belong in that group of people, that I should not be offended, this event affected me grandly, and it had consequences. I guess that was one of the last drops that filled the glass… I understand that certain people use facebook in a totally other way than I am using it. Different people have different aims with it. But some, use it as a “kleenex”, to wipe themselves with. Thats the thing. They are constantly posting. They do not choose their words. They do not choose what events they should share or not. They do not measure the density of the words, the arrow they throw…. Of course, some are 20-30 years younger than me and they are used to it. Facebook is a common (innocent) tool. For me, of course, on the contrary, I must admit, I am always overanalysing, I dont dare too much, I don´t want to have blunt opinions, I dont want to offend ..I dont arrest a thought and put it there, cause wtf next day I might change my mind!! I am learning and nothing is engraved in the stone. Facebook is a plenary agora where everybody shouts out, everybody can hear, can see, and specially can judge. Some people care. Some people dont.

They write so much sometimes it feels like they are “vomiting” (sorry, this is the only image that comes through my mind).

But anyhow, what I am looking for in facebook (what are my expectation exactly?) and how does facebook operate in my system? is it more positive? more negative? It have worked hard on me these days. With the consequences of yesterday: shutting down my account. Bip, bip, Bip…are you sure? Is there something we could help you with? maybe your notifications can be changed so you are not so connected but still…bip bip YES.

Did it.

I am kind of liberated. I am not sure how this is going to work out. I will not be in connection with many of my friends, that I dont see so much – living in the end of the world. :) but lets say, that I can work on new ways of communicating with them more efficient than shouting out loud in this frenetic noise.

 

feelings · life · now

f…..life

The truth is people will try to knock you down. Whether you want it, expect it, like it or not. Good friends- good people – not to talk about your family. Everyone. Anyone. The truth is people forget and if you need help one day, one moment, they will not understand, they will not see, they will not help you.

You are always good. Always up. Always smiling. At least, you think you are.

How do you really see yourself?

I have read somewhere that if you love yourself, if you have a good image of yourself, people will follow and smile. And even love you.

Am I aloud to have ups and downs? When you are down is there anyone who can be by your side? Hold your hand and say everything is going to be fine. What do you need? Can I help?

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When you cant smile, who is going to be there for you?

Life is what you make it of course.

Continue your path and you will discover …why….